I’m a data analyst, I pay my bills and my trips analyzing data all day long, and also spend a lot of time talking with people. I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or extrovert, because I need time for myself, a lot, but my energy is social. I want to be surrounded by lovely people. I need to give and receive love.
So, thinking about relationships and my social needs, I came up with this SQL metaphor about love and databases.
Human relationships translation of SQL Joins
In a left join: person A is offering everything to person B, who is actually right.
In a right join: person B is offering everything to person A, maybe because B is right.
Both cases are unequal, unfair and exhausting. One is giving a lot and just receiving whatever both had in common.
If the left or the right join are done excluding whatever is in common (the common key), the differences are bigger since nothing offered is correlated with the other, and absolutely nothing is received.
In a full outer join, both are sharing everything creating a super big product, most of the times too big. It could be asphyxiating and exhausting.
Sometimes the full outer join are excluding whatever is in common, and the differences are even bigger, since both are giving everything to the other except whatever they can really relate to.
Finally, the inner join means, person A and person B knows whatever is in common between both and just exchange that, keeping all other available things either for themselves or any other join.
My relationships evolution in SQL terms
In databases the goals are multiple, but commonly we want to enrich the data, using the least possible resources and avoid duplications and errors, and I found this pretty similar to what I want in a relationship: enrich ourselves (both), without getting exhausted or having terrible useless fights.
As a personal clarification, I’m learning to not avoid conflict, and instead welcome it. Similarly as to when working with data, issues are really good to validate the quality and strengths, and also to point out weaknesses and define next actions.
I used to have a lot of relationships with a left joins, giving everything that I had available, and receiving just what we had in common, and of course the other person was always right according to me.
Later I figured that that was not enough, and I started with left joins without a common key, meaning relations with people with nothing in common at all, really toxic ones. I was giving everything and getting nothing, and again that was ok because the other person was always right. And because they were so right, I accepted every comment as valid critique and recommendations for me to change, losing most of my self confidence.
And sure, I had some healthy ones, really constructive and satisfactory ones, but because I love people at some point I had more relationships than ones I can really handle, in a database this will break the ETL.
Changing the structure and definitions
So I broke myself, of course burned out… I lost all my vital energy because I was just giving, without almost any saving for myself, without asking or expecting… I was always available, always the last in the conversation, always receiving the “well I need to go”, never tired to listen or give advice, never too busy, never asking always giving.
Suddenly I realized that a lot of people around were happy to give me something, but I never requested. And I was hurting their feelings never asking. They were available, but in my mind, it was a bother. It turns out that when you are in a healthy relationship, and you don’t ask and just give, a disbalance is created and the other one stops asking. And when you’re a giver this is so sad.
Well, I’ve started to think about that and cleaning my relationships in the same way that I clean my databases. All relationships without common key were deleted. If there is nothing at all in common between you and me, not even the pleasure for a sunset, how can we enrich each other? Is there is not a common key in two data sets we can’t do the join, meaning, if you think that killing whales is a profitable business, I’m sure that you're a good person, but most probably it will be really hard to sit more than 10 seconds together.
Also I removed the full join relationships. In a database they are expensive, and in real life as well. Why do I need to share everything about myself with a person at the gym? Or a mom at the school? Or even my best friend or my partner? At some point I was expecting myself to be completely coherent, lovable and shareable. I was so wrong, and also too radical.
I started working on inner join relationships, sharing what I have in common with the other person, without interfering or intruding in areas that we’re not related at all. As complex human beings, we can have a lot of things in common with a person B but also a lot not related at all. For example as a feminist, commited to womens rights I never talk about abortion with my catholic friends, unless it is a critical conversation, where it is requested. I should admit that in the past I used to give my opinion as the source of truth, being really disrespectful to others. I thought that I was the right one. If we had that relationship, please forgive me.
However I love controversy, and disagreement, but the difference is, now I don’t give if it is not requested, and I don’t take if I don’t ask. Because when you allow everyone to make opinions and statement about yourself, without having anything in common, is difficult to take it as a constructive opinion and never as a definite truth. It can destroy self esteem and confidence. And for that we need to be in good personal shape to listen, take what really resonates, and discard what is against our principles at that point. (we can change our mind later and now completely agree with something that yesterday was impossible to stand)
I cleaned my data, and I’ve started dropping all the radicalism.
Lovely exceptions
There are always exceptions in life and in every database. Sometimes I have a full disclosure moments with my closest ones (full joins), but they temporally related to the 100% of our lives. There are people that I deeply love. The ones that I consider family. Those ones that I call in the deepest desperation on the top of the happiness: the hand that I need at the hospital or the funniest celebrations. With those, I had tears of every single kind, people who are always welcome, and despite disagreements there is so much love between us. We have things in common, and a lot of other things not related at all. To them I ask full honesty and I give the same. We also have a silence and respect pact, sometimes you or me need space and no opinion at all will help. Also, I don’t give and take comments as the best possible approach.It is just a valid and lovely opinion, offered with the best of intentions, and never with the purpose to hurt or damage.
And then, there are the two main ones, the most special people in my life. With them everyday I’m having the most delightful left join ever possible, giving everything without expecting anything. Sometimes we have a lot in common. Other times, nothing at all. For me being a mom is the most important role in my life, and giving everything to my two boys does not take energy. It charges me up in the most amazing way.
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