Some people say that we're grieving, that COVID-19 came and we’re sad, lost, confused. I kind of agree, but I think that we’re heartbroken. Heartbroken just like when we lost our first love.
We were living a fantasy, a relation that we always knew was not good. We always knew that it would never last, but it was perfect as a fantasy, for that is a great memory. The first love ends most of the time because we don’t properly care for it. Other times it ends because we’re not really aware of how deep or relevant it was or because we lack commitment. We just have fun dreaming and creating a fantasy, and pretty often we’re not honest with ourselves and with the other one.
This is not a surprise at all
It’s a common feeling that this lockdown and new reality caught us by surprise. However deep inside ourselves we know that this is not true.
We can’t say “I never imagined this would happen”. Come on! We’ve seen plenty of movies and books anticipating this.
We shouldn’t ask ourselves “OMG how come this happened?” We know why. We have tons of research and warnings about this. Maybe the question now is how come this didn’t happen earlier?
But I realize that no movie is that boring. If instead of the dystopian worlds that we watched, the movies were showing empty streets and people inside their houses for months fighting for toilet paper, for sure it would be really boring. The critics would say something like “lack of conflict and imagination” with a common opinion saying “come on, it would never happen like this”.
When the outbreak started and the first flatten the curve charts showed up, as a data person I was asking the only question that I could… where are the numbers in this axis? Great, let's flatten the curve but how long will it take?
I researched all over the internet until I got the original paper and I got the numbers… around 18 months… meaning a year and a half: the summer soon to start, plus a full winter and yet another summer… The common agreement back then was “We can’t be locked down two years… We need to go back to normal.”
We can’t go back to normal
There are a few things that we should realize. And in my personal opinion, the sooner the better.
The first is that it’s not possible to go back in time. At least this is not an option available in the market. If any physicist discovered how to build a time travel machine, the secret is still safe and properly hidden.
But it also doesn’t make any sense. As a kid I remember my mom saying all the time “I’d love to be 20 again but with the experiences of my 40’s.” It sounded weird in my 20’s, but even worse in my 40’s. I was a fool in my 20’s and that was the magic., Doing all the foolish things and ignoring the consequences… If I went back in time I’d be more conscientious, thoughtful… and boring. I’d be a 40 person wearing a 20’s body… (could be nice lol), but it would be fake, and the beauty of those years is in the naivety and honest experiences. For sure I’m doing things that I won’t be doing in my 60’s, and also the other way around… I do things now that I was feeling shy to do in my 30’s because for example it could lead to rumors.
Finally normal doesn’t exist. Normal is a myth.It is how it was, but disappeared the next second. We usually call “normal” the comfort zone that we build around us, creating a fantasy that is permanent. As Heraclitus said so well: “There is nothing permanent except change”.
We are living in our new normal, but the problem is we don’t like it.
All migrating to a new world
This is not the first time that I lost my world, my comfort zone, my reality. In short, this is not the first time that I’m heartbroken.
I was born in a rich country. There were plenty of immigrants, traveling was normal, and people used to take the private jet to go shopping to the United States over a regular weekend. Suddenly it was all gone.
As a sociologist I studied tons of books predicting the crash. Most of them were written during the best years. And even with all those serious warnings, one day my country was on the list of most dangerous places, on the travel Ban list, and even renewing my passport was not possible since there are no embassies in my new city and the country is not giving me a new one.
As an immigrant, I had to start from scratch, learn everything about my new country. It was not a language issue, it was a deep cultural one. I was not able to follow the instruction because I was not able to decode the rules. Most of the times I can remember asking something like “Sorry but when you say X what do you mean? Y or Z? Oh you mean W, I see thanks”.
It took me a while to understand Canada in general, and Montreal in particular, but it’s not just that. I was in Montreal as a pregnant mom, married and looking for a job. Even my career had a new name. I read posts all over mentioning that statistics was dying and long live to digital analytics.
A lot of successful immigrants repeat more or less the same piece of advice: forget what you had before and find a new spot… Be flexible and humble. This is a new country.
You probably were a Director or a University Professor… in most of the cases your credentials don’t have the same meaning. But also it is a great opportunity to reinvent yourself and try something new.
The Coronavirus social distancing world is new to everyone. There is a common joke among Venezuelan immigrants all over the world: Now we all live in Venezuela. There is no toilet paper, hospitals are overwhelmed, people are dying and the economy is collapsing. However as a latino country, we have no idea what social distancing means. We don’t really have personal space and being close to other people is not uncomfortable at all. And for sure wearing a mask that covers us our facial expression is not a comfortable option.
That's why, being alone, not being able to hug, to take care of our beloved ones, to share food… This is what is killing me the most. I really mean this. The rest? Unfortunately I already experienced it before.
Re-elaborating and learning from a heartbreaking situation
I’m dealing with this new word in the same way that I dealt with my broken heart in the past.
The first month I was in denial and crying every day. Somedays louder than others. Looking for memories and asking over and over, why? why? And yes, I know the reason, actually we all know a lot of reasons.
After that I was hiding in my bedroom (and yes eating ice cream). Ok social distancing is what you want? Social distancing is what I give you! At the end of any relationship it is pretty similar: Let’s social distance. But at least I’m not that formal and may phrase something like “Could you please go as far as you can? I don’t want to see you ever again…“, but when I was the one that got dumped,I was the one receiving the warning, and I must admit that I was secretly going back to the places to try to see them again, reliving memories, and having not so realistic fantasies about a non-existent and impossible past.
This time our old world ended with all of us. And we’re cheating, going to do the groceries twice a day, walking the dog every 3 hours...
And after a little bit more than two months, I’m ready to date again, but I need to meet this new world. The same way that I met the new poor and insecure Venezuela and fell in love with that. The same way that I met my now beloved Montreal. The same way that I met my husband (and other guys before lol). With an open heart, open mind, and willingness to enjoy and not make the same mistakes that I did in the past.
The best part after a breakup is when we are able to put the pieces together and rebuild ourselves and incorporate learnings, and be more solid about what as a person is important to have and what is completely negociable.
For example, I’m a traveler, but with no airlines, no hotels and no restaurants, this new world is giving me only one option, and I already found a new pasion “Van Life”.
And yes, I do sometimes think about our old world, the one with concerts, with kids running shoulder to shoulder, drinking water from the faucet, coming back all sweaty from the backyard, with conferences, company retreats, nordic spas and sauna, camping in chalets and exchanging houses. I miss all of that and more. I miss the hugs. I miss being there for the people that I care and love, and I need to learn new ways to do that. But just like my first love, our old world is like my old Venezuela. It is just a remote and far away fantasy. It doesn’t exist anymore and shouldn’t exist. It was great in the past and we need to move forward. I know and always knew that it was a dream and things were not going well and we now have the great opportunity to learn and build a better version, a better world and better self.
As a person, I embrace and enjoy the present just like it is. I honor, respect and keep my memories and history, but if life is a cruise, I’m dancing on the dance floor, asking for new songs to the band, and sometimes chilling out on the deck… I do look backwards to remember the old port from time to time, and also look at the new one ahead, planning and fantasizing about what could come next. But the moment we live in is now, and I want to and will seize the day.
Life is now. At the age you have now, in the world that we have now, with the people that we’re with now. Don’t waste the present and miss the opportunities thinking in what ifs or trying to go back. It is not going to happen and deep inside yourself (like after a love breakup), you know that it is for the best… It will be tough but is for the best.
As a mom of two, my current source of philosophical knowledge is more and more from kids movies… That explains why right now I’m in “Frozen” mode: singing out loud: “Let it go. Let it go… I'm never going back, the past is in the past”
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